Bad Day

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damnit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part...........................

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'Only when he's been drinking.'

Lily's Lore "I don't ever want to be rescued And I don't ever want to be saved I got a feelin' that I'm gonna be alive forever Dancin' on the edge of a grave..." Jim Steinman

Instead of shooting the driver, I would have shot the hell out of the speaker that continually spews out inane, annoying, scratchy stuff like, "It's a Small World."  That alone would be be the best defense.  JATFUR.

Rich K.

A 3 year old is sitting in the bath when he discovers his testicles. He looks at his Mother and asks, 'Mom are these my brains?'

She smiles and says, 'Not yet son.'

And to prove the point, check out this story!

'X-Files' Star In Sex Addiction Treatment

http://www.10news.com/entertainment/17333187/detail.html

Mike Heemer

 Finder, solo, and lily thanks so much,,,,,i needed it.

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started... .

SouthernTip AKA JBOD

 ................priceless...

 A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look
old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

His funeral is Friday

SouthernTip AKA JBOD

  Lily one time i was at a bar b que with my *ex* husband and he had a little too much to drink. So I insist that I drive us home , well my liscence was suspended ...forgot to pay a ticket....next thing you know a state trooper is pulling us over. I was so nervous. but I keep my cool. The officer says your going a little fast can I see your liscence....So I simply reply...I dont have it with me ......well the ex leans right over in his seat and goes on in his drunken slur""well actually officerrrrrrrrr,,,she doesnt have one" Its suspended...I bout died, and the officer grins at me and very politely says I can see whyyoure driving...have a nice night and dont kill him.lol  x is now my favorite letter.lol

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'   

Lily's Lore "I don't ever want to be rescued And I don't ever want to be saved I got a feelin' that I'm gonna be alive forever Dancin' on the edge of a grave..." Jim Steinman

Love it!!

 I am not real good with jokes but these should give you a giggle!!

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australia n and French
Navies... At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a
large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those
countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their
drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans
learn many languages, Americans learn only Engl ish.' He then asked,
'Why is it that w
e always have to speak English in these conferences
rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral
replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans
arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry on. 'You have been to France b efore, monsieur?' the customs
officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to
France previously.

Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'
The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.
'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in
France !'
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on
D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single
Frenchmen to show a passport to.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

CommodoreQueen

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.   

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!

CommodoreQueen

good one queenie

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom
mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

CommodoreQueen