Bachelor Tips

By oneguysview - Mon, 08/25/2008 - 10:20pm

Well, I am into a second week of bachelorhood. Here are a list tips my lovely bride should have given to me.

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

Hysterical!

Submitted by PrincessLeia on Mon, 08/25/2008 - 10:37pm.

I have been known to throw the container out with whatever that was in there..

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Way Too Funny

Submitted by Amie on Tue, 08/26/2008 - 3:22am.

I am going out today to buy a hamster

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Expiration dates

Submitted by Sunflower on Tue, 08/26/2008 - 7:45am.

Does beer ever spoil?

www.ctlac.com

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Beer & Other Stuff

Submitted by SoloVoce on Tue, 08/26/2008 - 7:59am.

Sunflower,

I've never heard of beer spoiling, but it does have a shelf live. Of course, if you let it go past the expiration date or if you spill some, as with any other alcohol, that is considered alcohol abuse! Shame. JATFUR.

Rich K

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Beer

Submitted by Walt on Tue, 08/26/2008 - 8:09am.

Beer don't spoil, it gets skunky. The trick is to drink it all up before it gets that way. I guess I'd better go and get some more so I can help relieve the world of Skunky Beer.

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Cleaning Out the Frig

Submitted by OneMann on Tue, 08/26/2008 - 4:33pm.

Why bother? Six months later, you've got to turn around and clean it again.

Michael S. Mann

michaelsmann@comcast.net

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For the Girls Top 10 Things Only women Understand

Submitted by lilyslore on Tue, 08/26/2008 - 7:16pm.

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3.. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

I don't know who wrote this one.

Lily's Lore "I don't ever want to be rescued And I don't ever want to be saved I got a feelin' that I'm gonna be alive forever Dancin' on the edge of a grave..." Jim Steinman

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And one more Lily

Submitted by finder on Tue, 08/26/2008 - 7:29pm.

mauve

–noun 1.a pale bluish purple. 2.

a purple dye obtained from aniline, discovered in 1856: the first of the coal-tar dyes.

–adjective3.of the color of mauve: a mauve dress.

Must have been a woman that discovered it. It may have even been a woman that wrote the definition too.

Wait, wait, I know the answer to eggshell. That's what men walk around on after being stupid enough to answer the question about 'does this dress make my butt look fat?'

Mike Heemer

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10 Ways To Know If You Have Estrogen Issues

Submitted by lilyslore on Tue, 08/26/2008 - 7:37pm.

Finder, great one. I hope when you get elected, you open every meeting with a 10 minute stand up routine. Here's some more things to be aware of.

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Lily's Lore "I don't ever want to be rescued And I don't ever want to be saved I got a feelin' that I'm gonna be alive forever Dancin' on the edge of a grave..." Jim Steinman

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How to Impress a Woman

Submitted by jimmaxie on Tue, 08/26/2008 - 8:05pm.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle

Compliment her

respect her

honor her

cuddle her

kiss her

caress her

love her

stroke her

tease her

comfort her

protect her

hold her

spend money on her

wine and dine her

listen to her

care for her

stand up for her

support her

GO to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

SHOW UP NAKED AND BRING BEER

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Made my day

Submitted by discontented on Tue, 08/26/2008 - 8:22pm.

Finally facts we all know are true.hahahah I love these posts.

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Clarifying

Submitted by oneguysview on Thu, 08/28/2008 - 7:07pm.

I am so thrilled MCS published the Bachelor Survival Tips I got in an e-mail. But I think I was not clear when i said I was two weeks into bachelorhood. My darling wife is visiting her sister for a total of three weeks and when I got that list I thought it would fit nicely with my temporary living conditions. I want to stress that I am still happily married especially in case she decideds to catch up on these posts. I apologize for any confusion.

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OGV

Submitted by Angela on Thu, 08/28/2008 - 7:19pm.

No need to clarify if you scroll up to where you posted the blog. You state my lovely bride. Usually when other circumstances are involved they are not thought of as lovely bride's. I think they have host of other names not befitting of the blogs. I think you are in the clear on this one.

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