Today's Headlines

From the Metro Section of The Times-Union:

Smoother sailing today from Butler to 9A south

A perhaps-forgotten fact about that particular Jacksonville beltway is that the project was originally planned by Ponce de Leon and the first construction phase completed by the Spaniard sailors under his command. Hence, the "smoother sailing" reference by those history buffs writing headlines at the T-U.

Help plant the seeds of a new city

There are more than enough seeds being planted in Jacksonville. And far too many of those seeds are geminating, then moving to Clay County and asking me to help build them a new school and new roads. I say, let the field lay fallow for a few seasons!

Black Catholics mix creed with customs

Being neither black nor Catholic, I'm pretty sure it would take more than eight or 10 column inches in the Metro Section to explain the true significance of this to me.

Nassau sheriff candidates focus on crime

I've got two problems with this headline. First, well, duh! Should they be focusing on global warming instead? And, second, they're candidates! They're focusing on what they think people want to hear in order to win their votes. If they get elected, then they'll focus on crime. At least for three years, until they become a candidate again.

Residents see positive, negative of Jacksonville

Another "well, duh" headline.

From the front page of CNN.com:

Gas drops 12 cents in two weeks

Sure, I fill up my gas tank and alter my entire lifestyle to include a strict diet of fuel consumption and now the price of gas drops! Thank goodness the price started coming down again before I invested that 20K to convert my lawn mower to ethanol.

McCain needs Rove, says 'Ferris Bueller' star

Ben Stein for Vice President!

Son charged with hoe killings, cess pool burial

Some headline writers just make it too easy for us, don't they?

Is nude dancing an art? Judge will decide

This one's too easy, too. But what the heck.  1.) You just know that taxpayers somewhere are footing the bill to have a brass pole installed in chambers. 2.) To be fair, he'll need to take a stack of ones with him. Dancing gets "artier" as more money gets thrown on stage. 3.) For goodness sake, don't let Pacman sit on the jury!

Meet Japan's 73-year-old porn star

Thank you, but no.

Males win more mates with dye job

I thought the idea in the good ol' US of A was to win one mate. Now CNN's telling us to dye our hair and we can win more mates. Well, OK, if that's where the nation's headed, I'll go along for the ride. Is there a new limit on mates, or should I just dump that bottle of Greecian Formula on my noggin and try to post some big numbers?

(Just an observation here, but does anyone else think CNN.com's editors need a dye job so they can find a mate and start giving us news stories about something that doesn't involve cosmetics in an effort to get some, a septagenarian who's getting paid to get some, a judge who'll be pretending like he's not thinking about wanting to get some and a hoe?)

To be fair and balanced, here's Foxnews.com:

President Bush to Meet With Pakistan's Prime Minister

They'll be joined by McCain when they meet at the Pakistan-Iraq border.

Security Guard Confirms Edwards L.A. Hotel Incident

Yeah, the editors at Fox are also concerned about who's doing who, when and how. They've also got that son-killing-hoes story.

Drunk Women Try to Open Plane Door for 'Fresh Air'

So strap on a 'chute and give 'em a nudge. The ride down ought to cure that little drinking problem.

Woman Gives Birth to 18th Child

If she can give birth to 18, so can I ...

1.) Isn't it about time for her mother to have that birds-and-bees talk? 2.) This one brings her to the letter R. She's having her tubes tied after little Zachary or Zina is born. 3.) On the plus side, she never has trouble finding a babysitter. 4.) I wonder if she remembers what it's like to not be pregnant? 5.) OK, now her hubby has a caddy for each hole. 6.) And in her spare time ...

7.) She's president of the Shawn Kemp Fan Club. 8.) And the local chapter of Planned Parenthood, she's just a very poor planner. 9.) I don't know for sure, but I'd think this birthing thing might gets easier after the first baker's dozen or so. 10.) She's approaching Kobiyashi-type numbers. 11.) University scientists specializing in human reproduction have discovered that her fertile period is when she's awake. 12.) Imagine how chaotic that house would be if she was married to George Foreman and he named every boy George, too.

13.) That's about 180K per college education times eighteen. Those kids better be smart enough or athletic enough to get some scholarships and help cut into that $3.2 million expense. 14.) A year from now, this mom's gonna be on Maury Povich. If it's one of those "Who's My Baby-Daddy?" episodes, he'll go broke paying for all those paternity tests. 15.) Who else would love to hear this woman be interviewed by Groucho Marx? 16.) The family car's a Greyhound. 17.) In retrospect, I wonder if she'd change her mind about that decision to not bottle-feed. 18.) Let's see, that's two complete baseball teams, or one basketball team and a football team, with a reserve player for each.

Michael S. Mann

michaelsmann@comcast.net