Wackiest Neighbor

Islander,

Damn!  (Typed while simultaneously shaking my head and laughing)

Michael S. Mann

That dude needs some serious help. Maybe the house will sell and he can go back to the woods.

Islander, many thanks for the laughs--I find the holidays both a joy and a major source of stress. Our pile of kids and their friends and their entourages are just days away.

I am relieved to know that you are the weirdo magnet for neighbors. They all used to live on my street. We do have one left. They're the ones who "mind their own business" yet they know who, what, when and where about all of us. I think they are just a little creepy--what grown man doesn't work and still is living with his Mother?...icky. And for a old lady, a middle-aged moocher, they sure put out a bunch of trash. I really have never seen so many cans in all different shapes and sizes. Thank heavens for the dreaded, evil mandatory trash pick up!

There is much more to come.  Thanks I always wondered how I won the lottery of discarded neighbors! 

I have to laugh at these people, or I would go postal.  If I make your day great!  What the world need now is humor!  Especially if its the truth about people we know!

I welcome comments from people who have even wackier neighbors than I do.  I had hoped to be topped by someone who had nuttier neighbors than I do, but alas tis not so, yet!

I swear, everything I have written is true.  Let's just hope my neighbors don't read the blogs or I am dead meat!  They know who they are!

Islander.... "Laughter is good for the soul" and many, many thanks to you, my soul is GOOD tonight .  I think you may have already won the 'blue ribbon' in this catagory!!  I do hope you are writing a book.....it would hit the top of the 'Best Seller's' list for sure. 

Anxiously waiting for chapter 2.........

Stryker

Islander - great narrative, I can picture the guy pouring the - well, never mind.  At least he collects it and pours it out around the yard instead of using the direct application method.

Each neighborhood has their character(s), we used to have what was affectionately known as the 'crack house.' 

So, when can we expect the next chapter and the rest of the neighbors saga.....You made me LOL. What about the neighbor between 2 & 5?

 GoodLife

Neighbor #6.  The Renter.  Neighbor #6 is a good neighbor. They have two adorable children and appear stunned about neighbors 1-5.  Neighbor #6 came to me to complain about neighbor #1 about a year and a half ago.  As stated earlier, #1 loved to clean up in the driveway, sans clothing.  #6's children told the mom about seeing #1 in the driveway without clothes.  At first she didn't believe the kids, but after a graphic description, mom knew the kids knew what they were talking about.  Husband is military, serving in Iraq and she asks me to talk to #1 about the lack of clothing.  She is not malicious, just wants it stopped and didn't feel it was appropriate for a lady to talk to a man about such things.  I volunteered, since hubby was serving our country in Iraq.  Well, to make it shor, the discussion didn't go very well.  #1 denied it vehemently.  Since #1 is on numerous medications, I rationalized he may not have remembered what went on.  Unfortunately, that started a neighborhood feud that ended in mediation.  #6 wanted to keep the lawn in good shape, an admirable quality.  #6 said they would apply all the necessary chemicals if owner of the home would buy them.  That went over like a lead balloon.  Owner refuses, and #6 says, "well it's not my yard, I just rent."  I completely agree with him.  Weed patch is not in full view.

Wow, I'm finally off the cul-de-sac.

Neighbor #7.  Drunken lady.  #7 is really a trip.  About 3 years ago #7 makes hits on our son.  #7 is 3 sheets in the wind and plops down on our son's lap.  #7 is married.  She says he is the cutest thing she has ever seen and would like to do unmentionables with him.  Ouch, wife is now in overdrive.  Son is young, and attractive,  and woman hitting on him is married, and oh yeah, drunk.  Wife proceeds to read the riot act, telling #7 to get off sons lap and go home.  She doesn't get it.  So wife repeats with daggers, go home to your husband, and sit on his lap.  This wasn't vocalized, but I know wife.  

#8. No comment, same profession as me, works at same facility.  Benign.

#9.  Interesting people.  They grow stuff that neighbor #7's husband smokes.  They have a huge cat.  It is the size of a great Dane. They park cars in the island on their end of cul-de-sac.  For your information only, cars always have all the windows broken out of them.  Interesting.

Off the cul-de-sac.

Now we run into the Green Bay neighbors.  Green Bay works out in the garage, and has mirrors on one whole wall.  Has a motorcycle, Harley of course, and is mid way through midlife crisis.  Green Bay has a son that is a skate board maniac.  Oops, sorry, he now has a drivers license and of course a car.  God help us all.  Green Bays son, before car has huge skateboard half pipe.  No problem there, except it is always in the middle of the road.  Since Green Bay has mirrors, and is macho, half pipe is industrial strength.  Wife's son visits us and takes half pipe and puts it in his truck bed.  Green Bay is indignant and asks for half-pipe back. Wife's son says, sure, just keep it out of the road, or I will bring construction equipment down and flatten half pipe.  End of discussion.  Numerous kids use the half pipe.  One of course bangs the side door of my vehicle coming out of half pipe.  I tell kid, you got insurance?  Kid says, why, and I reply, you dented door, you pay for door.  Kid thinks he has upper hand.  Says nothing.  Mexican standoff happens.  I turn off vehicle, take out keys and lean against my vehicle.  I tell kid, you will get hungry, you will go home, and I will follow you.  Kid blinks.  I tell the kid, I have all day, and I just ate.  Kid then spills his guts, telling me his name, address, phone number and family history.  I tell the kid, go home.  I call his parents, and I know no one will drown in that gene pool.  Parents are dumber than the kid.  That is sad, but obviously true.  PS - some other kid took out the Green Bay mailbox Green Bay had.  The mailbox is now Walmart generic.  Speaking of Walmart; I saw Green Bay's son beg chicken off the Walmart deli.  The deli guy gives the boy chicken drummies free of choice.  The boy proceeds to eat the meat off the bone, and throw the bones on the floor.  Walmart deli guy gets insane, my wife says, that's okay they are our neighbors and the kid is like that everyday.  Walmart guy mutters unintelligible family history of skate board boy.

By the way, the community isn't gated.  The HOA is much too cheap to do that.  I am surprised our street lights are still on. 

I swear the above is the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help me deity of your choice.

Still here - sigh, on the Island.   How can I soar with the eagles, when I am stuck with all my turkey neighbors?

Islander - consider writing this up as an independent entry into publication, or somebody else will!  You can use the proceeds to gate the community along with the first ever MCS Blogger fund drive we will have to keep these folks in your community and out of ours!

 What a breath of fresh air - no talk of changing screen names, no trash talk (or talk of trash), no Thrasher bashing, no high school drama, just good ol' neighborhood shenanigans that we can enjoy.  Of course, we don't live there!

Thanks for sharing - how are you going to continue?  Can't wait to see.

After reading this I had to go change my ------  I laughed so hard.

You rule islander. Next installment? Waiting breathlessly. 

Islander, I have been enjoying your missives on your neighbors. They are scarily humorous. I think I would be nervous with so many crack pots in one place but that's only because I don't know my neighbors very well. I do know one guy who's an itinerant preacher and rides a motorcycle for fun.  Another guy always has a full recycle bin to the point of overflowing withbeer bottles. A woman with some very unfortunate tattoos that have not aged well as she has aged (meow) and a great old gentleman who will be 101 next month. One of the families next door to me live as if they are in the weitness protection program. They are as unsociable as I am and I very rarely see them. They even put in a 7 foot fence because, I suppose, six feet weren't quite enough. But they are very pleasant when I do see them. Just goes to show, you never really know.

Lily's Lore "I don't ever want to be rescued And I don't ever want to be saved I got a feelin' that I'm gonna be alive forever Dancin' on the edge of a grave..." Jim Steinman

Islander...You have had everyone in stitches. I agree you should write a book and share the royalties with some of your neighbors so they can escape the crazyness. I have a neighbor that puts a cow bell on his gate so that it gongs when someone enters. It is really loud and the entire neighborhood can hear it. I always thought it was to hurd the neighborhood yellow cat, but I guess I was wrong. What do you think Islander?

I have to skip at least 5 homes down the street to get to the next bunch.  Because of public records, and my desire to keep things anonymous, I can't tell you the whole story, but only the part that wouldn't connect to a public record that someone could research.

The life raft.

The next door neighbor to #10 wacky neighbor is retired military, and retired from a second career as a school principal.  He has seen it all, or he corrected himself, he thought he had seen it all. It seems his neighbor had a very popular daughter at home.  Extremely popular with all the guys.  I mean extremely popular, and for a lot of reasons.  He says, I looked out the window one day, and I can see the back side of their roof.  I see a rubber life raft on the roof.  Of course this gets his attention.  He looks closer and he sees a guy in the life raft, without a shirt on.  He watches for a few more minutes, and then he sees a girl in the life raft too, also without a top on.  He is really curious now, and gets enough of a view to realize that they are rowing the raft on dry land, so to speak.  So, being the retired military man and ex-principal he yells out the window, what are you doing?  They yell back, we're trying to slide the raft off the roof.  While this isn't as a hilarious story as the others, it still is one of the more bizarre ones.

The concerned Mom neighbor.  One of the neighborhood boys was shooting the half-pipe at Green Bay's house when he slide off his skateboard in the middle of the street and bought the pavement.  I was leaving the subdivision and I saw the boy fall.  Kids were standing around him and he didn't get up.   I walked up to him and you could see that he had a real doozie of a forearm fracture.  I mean the arm was visibly deformed.  I asked one of the guys if they had something we could immobilize his arm with.  They said they had an old skateboard without trucks.  I told them to bring it.  I was able to get the boy to put his arm on the skateboard, and just as I was about to tape it in place, the mom drives up in her van.  She takes a look at the boy's arm and says, well, it looks like you messed up this afternoon.  Looking at the break, I suspect he needed orthopedic surgery.  I was concerned that a bone might sever a nerve.  The mom took a look at the skateboard under his arm and said, I'm not putting that dirty old thing in our new van.  Before I could tell her about causing more damage, she grabs the boys wrist and pulls his arm up close to his chest, and says, now hold it there till we get to the ER.  I was going to make a sling, but she didn't want to hear anything.  Oh, by the way, the boy was screaming the whole time she was moving his arm.   All the kids looked at each other and we just sort of stood there as he crawled into the van, and she drove off.  Several parents had gathered, and they just shook their head.

The inconsiderate neighbor.

One of our neighbors has a dog that they let outside.  It's a big dog, and it has a big bark.  It is also an old dog, so when it is outside it doesn't do much but just lie around.  Another one of my neighbors had to go out of town because of a family illness.  The spouse's father had a mild heart attack and had to have some stints put in.  The father lives about 600 miles from here, so they had a long drive home when the father recovered.  They drove all night long to get back home, and arrived about 2am.  You know the story from here.  The dog is outside, and right next to the bedroom window of the people who had driven all night to get home.  They tried to sleep for an hour, but sleep was not to be had.  The husband went next door and knocked on the door to get them to put the dog up.  The dog owners daughter was home, and in fact up, but would not answer the door even when the neighbor asked her to just put the dog up.  Nada, nothing. So about 5am he goes to the gate and lets the dog out.  The dog takes off and runs around everywhere.   He goes home and finally is able to sleep for a few hours.  About 8am he hears a knock on the front door.  His wife says it is a deputy.  He goes to the door and the deputy asks, did you let his dog out.  He says, yes I did. He drove all night and the dog barks right outside my bedroom window.  He walked over to get the dog owners daughter to put the dog up.  She won't answer the door, or put up the dog.  So, he let the dog out.  He asked the policeman if she knows he let the dog out, she was up and could have put the dog in.  Policemen are so used to  hearing people lie, that they are startled when someone tells the truth.  The policeman smiled, and said, you would have been responsible if the dog had bitten someone.  The neighbor replies, the dog is so old he couldn't bite a biscuit, much less a person.  The policeman said, well he has his dog back in the yard.  You shouldn't let his dog out.  He says, I shouldn't have to, you are right.  But if I have to do that to get some sleep, I will do it again.  If I can sleep 6-8 hours and talk to a deputy, you will be seeing more of me.  The neighbor asked the deputy, what could you have done if we had called the police?  The policeman smiled and said, probably not much more than you could have done.  By the time we round up animal control, the dog will probably be back inside.  This did not make the dog owner very happy. 

Well, I am not out of neighbors, but I am reaching the point where the neighbors actions aren't insane anymore, just inconsiderate.  Everyone has inconsiderate neighbors. There are a few more neighbors, but I will take a rest for a few days.

Anybody out there have some neighbor stories?  The wackier, the better. 

From the Island.

The Islander! 

Islander, you make it sound like the rest of Clay County should be burning all the bridges connecting the Island to sanity.

I doubt anyone else can come up with a neighborhood to rival your own's level of wackiness, but I sure will enjoy reading it if they can.

Thanks for the continued laughs.

Michael S. Mann

Islander, 
   Thank you for the great entertainment this morning! I really needed the laugh with the stress I've been under for the past few weeks! I'm so glad you decided to share with us!

Shannon
www.myspace.com/craighand