DIARY OF A HOUSEWIFE

I still remember those fairy tales my mom used to tell us by the fire place (that was until the cat got on fire because he got too close and the smell never left the house). We were 7 kids and we all paid so much attention to those stories, specially the part where the prince takes the princess on his beautiful white horse and goes away.. so romantic?

I don't think so! Someone forgot to add the part where the little princess had to wash the prince's underwear or where her delicate hands had to scratch the gum off from under the table and chase her little 2 year old away from the dog before the poor animal realizes that he has been decorated with my lipstick like a canine prostitute!

"For better or for worse", the priest said that day,  and all those promises keep ringing inside of my ears everytime I have a "close encounter" with my hubby because of the doomed money!

Just this morning he forgot to leave me the payment for the lights so I think we'll be having a candlelight dinner tonight! He looked at me like if he was possessed! I could almost see his head spinning around his neck like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Then he groaned something like: "I don't know what we're going to do!" and he left slamming the door (like in the movies!)

I guess I'll have to load my truck with my three creatures and go to the light company to beg for an extension why not? I did the same thing with the water, the phone and the cable company.

As soon as I arrived  to the Electric Company I knew it wasn't going to be nice. I had to make a long line and I soon became the target of thousands of dirty looks because my young-ens wouldn't stay still. I remembered how different people used to look at me when I was young and beautiful and I didn't drag my little three "additions" everywhere. Don't give me wrong! I love my kids but people don't look at it that way. Either they give me this compassionate look that says: "Better you than me honey" or they want to kill me with their eyes like invisible knives! I can almost hear their thoughts: "My God woman why don't you just make them shut up!"

My next stop will be Wal Mart something like committing suicide with a nail clipper: slow and painful. The three pair of hands will battle with mine to drag everything from the shelves while I try to keep calm and tide my teeth togehter so I won't explode in a thousands pieces and become Hulk in the middle of the store. Spanking them! God! No! There is always someone always ready with a cellular phone to call the police on you for abusing your little angels!

It is NAP TIME!!!YEHHHH! This is my moment! But even this has to be performed in a strategic way: First the 3 month old, a bottle of milk and he is gone to LA-LA land; then the 2 year old, giving him soft strokes in the back for about 10 minutes, a twist or two while he finds a comfortable position and after a  thousand hugs and kisses for reassurance  he'll be  sleeping too. Finally my 4 year old that always falls asleep by ricochet watching his brothers and Voila! I am free for about two hours!

This is my moment! I turn into Wonder woman and I cook dinner, clean the house, make the phone calls to obtain more extensions and I even try to exercise watching the 8 minute workout of Billy Blanks. God! How I hate those women! A flat stomach, nothing hanging from anywhere..Anyway! At least I am doing better now, the first time I did this routine something cracked inside of me and I couldn't move. My hubby found me like a pretzel in the middle of the living room and on top of that I had to put up with his stupid jokes: "Well honey you know what they say: Even monkeys have to quit climbing trees sometimes" LOL-LOL_LOL How funny he is! Bozoooooo!

Tonight when he gets home he'll tell me about his day but if I try to open my mouth to tell him about mine he'll say: "Sorry honey, but I am really tired" and if I say something stupid like: "Me too!"He'll say: "Oh honey! You don't know what tired is". Then I will have to make a supernatural effort to keep my foot down on the floor and I would throw the atomic bomb of the day: "Sweetheart, just to remind you that the water is due tomorrow. Have a nice night".