Loose Leaves

I thought I'd share a col or two that I have written. Before being transferred to the Times union, I was the Publisher of the News Chief in Winter Haven Florida. I am currently the Sun Community Newspaper Director. This col was written in October 13 , 2005. I hope you enjoy it.

Before I get started here, and before you get all worked up and send me letters over this column, let me say that I have a seven-year strict vegetarian, animal (lover) daughter living at home. Her name is Caroline. She is the youngest of three daughters, 18 and very independent. She is in her first year at PCC. And, like any parent, I love her unconditionally.

   I really do not understand vegetarianism or, rather, why someone would choose to treat their taste buds with such disrespect. On the other hand, I admire my daughter’s decision and commitment. We often have lively discussions regarding animals and our different choices of diet. However, I did not claw my way up the food chain to eat rabbit food.

   She reminded me the other night at dinner – AGAIN - as I was downing a fat juicy bacon cheeseburger fresh off the grill, that I should not be eating meat because of the horrible way animals are treated during the processing stage. I told her that it was OK because I was a card-carrying member of PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals). I then asked her; if the good Lord did not want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat? She did not think that was very amusing and resumed eating her meatless chili. I tried that dish once and was forced to wash my mouth out with several slices of hickory smoked bacon and a spicy wedge of Jimmy Dean sausage.

   Please note: I am not one of those people that carelessly pour the bacon grease down the drain. No, I very carefully pour it into a mason jar, stick it into the refrigerator and use it to fry eggs later. Occasionally, I will pour it over the dog’s dry food. My Jack Russell Terrier, Clover, really loves this special treat. Caroline feels that when I do this, I am violating the canine’s rights by forcing it to eat a fellow mammal. All I know is this; Clover practically licks the ceramic fired glaze off her dish every time I slap on the bacon grease. I swear the other day the dog barked a discernable thank you for the Gualtney bacon grease smothered dog food.

   Look, I think that it is deplorable that the zookeepers in Beijing have allowed “Ai Ai”, the 26-year-old monkey to get hooked on cigarettes for the past 16 years! You have seen the images on TV. It is sad. OK, it’s funny. The poor animal is suffering major withdrawals. Anyone hooked on cigarettes can relate to the plight of this innocent primate. The least they could have done was teach her to use a cigarette holder when smoking. I read now they are trying to get her unhooked by feeding her Chinese meat dumplings and taking long walks to keep her mind off smoking. I suggest they teach her to blow bubbles using nicotine gum and buy her the video game Donkey Kong to play.    

    Caroline and I agreed that the confinement and treatment of this monkey are wrong. However, I expressed my believe to her that if we can learn from and somehow convince the 45 million people that are hooked on smoking to give up this unhealthy habit  as a result of  “Ai Ai” the monkey smoking; I say give the monkey its own vending machine stocked with unfiltered packs of Camels and let her puff away.

   Furthermore, I stated that mice should indeed be used for scientific testing. Their sacrifices have and will help us understand how to fight diseases. Those expendable little rodents will, maybe one day, help the scientific community find a vaccine that could prevent the next pandemic that could kill millions of human beings.

   After these comments, Caroline smirked, hugged me, called me a meathead and left the room with her bean sprout sandwich. I tried that dish once also and let me say, I don’t need to pay $3.99 a pound in the gourmet isle of the grocery store for that little treat; I have a cornucopia of that stuff caked to the underside of my 42 inch cut, 12.5

Horsepower Craftsman riding lawn mower.

   I’m hankering for an 18 ouncer. Where are the steaks?